


DIRK STRIDER BIMBOFICATION REAL (NOT CLICKBAIT!!!)

by BimboDirk



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Armchair psychoanalysis, Dirk causes problems for himself (and other people), M/M, Porn trope deconstruction, SFW romance fetish, Sexual Insecurity, Sexual Repression, Slut Shaming, Toxic Masculinity, Unhealthy Relationships, Unhealthy ideas about sex, bimbofication
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:41:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28448598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BimboDirk/pseuds/BimboDirk
Summary: There may be a little clickbait.Much to the annoyance of his friends, Dirk Strider takes up "being a bimbo" (while avoiding answering as many questions about this decision as he can).
Relationships: Caliborn & Dirk Strider, Caliborn & Jake English, Caliborn/Dirk Strider, Jake English & Dirk Strider, Jake English/Dirk Strider, additional relationships - Relationship
Comments: 14
Kudos: 69





	1. Act One: Everybody Does It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are on mobile, this work is best viewed in landscape mode on the Chrome browser.
> 
> Act One contains:  
> Sex shaming/trauma dismissal; attempted teacher/student (unrequited); attempted manipulation; Horuss/Dirk (unrequited); former Dirk/Jake; current Dirk/Caliborn; sexism and toxic masculinity; sexist language and ideas; unnecessary gendering; and "romance fetish"
> 
> The next five chapters belong to Act One, and Act Two will start on chapter seven.

DIRK: I've decided to become a bimbo.

JAKE: Pardon?

DIRK: I'm a bimbo now, Jake.  
DIRK: I'm a dumb blonde slut.

CALIBORN: NO???  
DIRK: An absolutely devastating Deviant Art style TF mess.  
CALIBORN: NO!! WHAT THE FUCK NO!!!!

DIRK: I'm a complete moron, but I'm hot and I'm going to fuck everyone.  
CALIBORN: NO, STOP IT!!!!! STOP TALKING!!!  
CALIBORN: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP-  
JAKE: Is this supposed to be some form of metaphor per chance?  
DIRK: It's a metaphor for my cock and balls.  
CALIBORN: WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own any of the commercial images edited in this chapter, besides my own drawings. No profit is being made off of this work.


	2. Chapter 2

JAKE: Its just such a ridiculous codswallop idea dont you figure? Here i am being a dumb sexpot all the time and now here comes strider thinking this is so easy? This is jake english usurpation. Mutiny. Hes trying to pull my thong out from beneath my trousers.

JANE: Well, I think Dirk can do what he wants anyway; like, it's his business.  
JAKE: For flip fuckins sake jane are you for real right now.  
JANE: Sure, what's wrong with him expressing his sexuality? Even if it's in a slightly offensive way. I am of course in support of literally all forms of sex positivity, on account of me getting cancelled on Twitter that one time.  
JAKE: I dont remember you giving me this sort of support for say my ENTIRE FREAKING LIFE!!!

JANE: That is correct.


	3. Chapter 3

DIRK: Professor, may I please talk with you?  
PROFESSOR: Of course lad! What may be troublin the old noggin today?  
DIRK: Well, you see I got a C. A C plus, but it is a C.  
PROFESSOR: Ah, yes! I was confuddled myself, but you did only turn in two pages of your essay. Quite a humdinger of two pages, but two pages nonetheless! Very easy to grade, but really poor at following guidelines!  
DIRK: Yes. Well, since I received a C, I'm worried about failing this class. I may need to take some extra credit to get my grade back up to an A.  
PROFESSOR: Oh my, no! Well, you could, but it's only a C and your overall grade is still an A! This isn't a very impactful essay, and even if we ignore that, this is the first time you've ever turned in anything unfinished or lacking in quality! Of course, you're a young whippersnapper in university, so i can't fault you too much for missing a single deadline. You're bound to make mistakes or miss an assignment. But it's ok! I believe in you and your ability to remember formulas and theory.  
DIRK: … Oh. Can I still look into some extra credit?  
PROFESSOR: If you insist! I have some interesting journals advancements in technology that uses a center of gravity to propel oneself through space and time. you could read it, write a summary, and then write some commentary at the end. They're all available on Kanvase, so you'll be able to access them with your school email. Does that work out there, fellow?  
DIRK: … Ok.  
PROFESSOR: Good! Don't get too discouraged, Dirk! You're a bright young lad. Good day to you!

DIRK: Thanks. Professor.  
PROFESSOR: You're quite welcome, good sir!


	4. Chapter 4

DIRK: Morning, Zahhak.  
HORUSS: 8=D < Good morning, Strider! You 100k particularly qu**r today!  
DIRKS: Thanks. Hey, I have a proposition for you.  


HORUSS: 8=D < I'm all ears! See them twitching?  
DIRK: Right. So, I've been having trouble with my math homework lately, and I was hoping you could help me out.  
HORUSS: 8=D < Oh, I'd love to!  
DIRK: No, you're supposed to say- never mind.  
HORUSS: 8=D < Did I say something wrong? I'm trying to be better lately, if you could accurately communicate what I said to offend you so I can fi% it I would truly appreciate it!  
DIRK: No, it's fine. It was just, I was going to offer to sleep with you if you did the work.  
HORUSS: 8=D < Oh, Dirk! You s*lly beast. I would gladly help you with your homewor%, regardless of any carnal acts on the stable! Besides, I am in fact in a very STRONG relationship with a mare who loves me!  
DIRK: You are???  
HORUSS: 8=D < Yes, I'm dating Rufioh Nitram?  
DIRK: Oh fuck, I thought you guys broke up. Like, four or five years ago.  
HORUSS: 8=D < Neigh, he jo%es about it all the time but he loves me so much! He'd never dump me or anything.  
DIRK: Right, ok.  
HORUSS: 8=D < So, what time do you want to wor% on your homewor%?  
DIRK: Oh, actually I just remembered everything I've ever learned about math. I think I'll be fine now.  
HORUSS: 8=D < Alright then!  
PROFESSOR: stRideR.

PROFESSOR: excuse me, stRideR?  
DIRK: Ma'am?  
PROFESSOR: you'Re cleaRly not dRessed foR shop class.  
DIRK: What's wrong with how I'm dressed, if you don't mind me asking?  
PROFESSOR: you aRen't actually pRotecting any of youR skin, aRe you? this is extRemely dangeRous expeRimental woRk, and you could have bits of shRapnel and spaRks flying at you at any moment. thus why we weaR ouR helmets, gloves, and full body leatheR aRmoR in class.  
DIRK: Yes, but my movements are free and unrestrained, which could help with my flexibility.  
PROFESSOR: why would you need flexibility. foR shop class.  
DIRK: It's more for... after shop class?  
PROFESSOR: stRideR, i am going to have to ask you to leave now.

DIRK: ... Yes, Ma'am.


	5. Chapter 5

DIRK: It seems I have miscalculated.  
JAKE: Oh?  
DIRK: Well to be a real fuckslut you have to lower your standards to the absolute floor, but in doing so I did not account for one thing: now everyone else has higher standards than me.  
DIRK: In short, I can't get fucked.  
JAKE: Oh gosh.  
DIRK: It seems that my attempt to be a fantastical porn ideal to appeal to men didnt work, because they dont want to have sex with the fantastical porn ideal.  
DIRK: It could also be that they consider me "weird," and "really fucking creepy and disconcerting especially when talking about sex," but I doubt it.  
JAKE: Or it could be something else?  
DIRK: Like what.  
JAKE: I mean its only been a day.  
JAKE: Who are you popping the question to?  
JAKE: How are you popping it?  
DIRK: Popping- I'm not asking for marriage I'm asking for sex.  
JAKE: You know what i am doggone well referring to!  
JAKE: Who did you ask? Have you asked more than a single gentleman?  
JAKE: You didnt ask that zahhak fellow did you hes very gross looking.  
DIRK: So I guess what I am trying to say here is that I can't even achieve my new dreams of being a shallow trophy boyfriend who's discarded after two days of nonstop mind blowing coitus.  
JAKE: Im sorry dirk!

JAKE: *Sighs*

JAKE: Ok ill do it.  
DIRK: Do what?  
JAKE: Fuck you?  
DIRK: Ew, fuck, no.  
DIRK: I'm going to Cal's.  
JAKE: What?

JAKE: What???!


	6. End of Act One

CALIBORN: I HAVE BEEN THINKING.  
DIRK: I didn't know you could do that.  
CALIBORN: HAR DEE HAR HAR. YOU ARE A BRILLIANT FUCKING COMEDIAN.  
CALIBORN: I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT YOUR CHOICE. IN ABHORRENT JEZEBEL FASHION AND PROMISCUOUS NATURE. AS OF LATE.  
DIRK: Yeah? What do you got for me, babe.  
CALIBORN: WELL I HAVE DECIDED TO FORGIVE YOU.  
DIRK: Forgive me.  
CALIBORN: YES. AT FIRST I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST BEING A NUISANCE, WITH YOUR DRESSING IN GIRLS CLOTHES AND BEING OVERTLY SLUTTY AND GROTESQUE. BUT THEN I REALIZED THAT YOU ARE A MAN. IN FACT YOU ARE ONE OF THE MANLIEST MEN I'VE EVER MET.  
DIRK: In fairness to other men, I dont think you've met a lot of people.  
CALIBORN: SHUT UP AND LET ME FINISH. BITCH.  
CALIBORN: WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY IS THAT IF YOU DECIDE TO STILL BE A MAN WHILE WEARING THESE OBNOXIOUS FEMALE ITEMS. THEN I SHALL TRUST YOU ON THIS DECISION. YOU'VE NEVER BEEN A PURE HEARTED BOY. AND I'VE ALWAYS LIKED HOW… DIRTY. YOU CAN BE.  
CALIBORN: NOW YOU ARE A DIFFERENT FILTHY MAN. A MAN WHO IS SO MANLY IT SHINES THROUGH EVEN WHILE WEARING OBNOXIOUSLY UNMANLY ATTIRE. AND THAT IS TRUE MANLINESS.  
DIRK: Thanks, Cal.

DIRK: I mean, I think pretty much everything you said was bullshit. These aren't even girly clothes, and I am just openly asking for sex. Honestly, your obsession with what counts and female and male is really weird; you apply it to the stupidest things. But I know that speech meant a lot to you. So thanks.  
CALIBORN: MNGH.

DIRK: Aw, is my pretty boy shy?  
CALIBORN: DO NOT CALL ME THAT!

DIRK: My handsome man, my sweet baby.  
CALIBORN: STOP IT!!!  
DIRK: My darling boy.  
CALIBORN: MMMMMNNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!  
DIRK: Sugarbob honeybunch.


	7. ACT TWO: A Large Rock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Act Two contains:  
> Toxic masculinity; Incorrect terminology of minority groups (not slurs); Internalized sexism/homophobia/transphobia; Cronus/Kankri (unrequited); Sexual repression/sex shame; Implied sexual harassment; Tentacle dicks (mentioned); Bimbofication critique; Sexualization of Jake; Dirk/Kankri (unrequited); Attempted manipulation; Boundaries negotiation; Flirting with a retail worker; Sex with a retail worker; Implied attempted teacher/student (mentioned); Foot fetish (mentioned); Sex shaming
> 
> Act Three starts on chapter 13.

DIRK: Hey, dude, what the hell are you wearing?  
CRONUS: oh hey chief yeah isnt it svweet just six bucks  
DIRK: You're rich.  
CRONUS: gotta spend vwisely to look cheap  
DIRK: Uhuh. And you're dressed like this why.  
CRONUS: vwhaddya mean "bro" haha im dressed to party just like you. youre a free bitch im a free bitch.  
DIRK: Are you fucking serious? You're ripping me the fuck off. I'm providing sexy homegrown entertainment and you and your corporate bullshit walks in buying up all the harnesses and making ahaegao faces for their selfies.

CRONUS: nah, mostly i like to make vw signs  
DIRK: Fuck off.  
CRONUS: youre angry? like youre actually seriously mad?  
DIRK: Yeah, because some fishdick is wrecking my gig.  
CRONUS: thats real rich from the guy vwho stole this "gig" from his ex. so vwhat if i took some inspo from your outfits? desperate times call for desperate measures, chief, and it looks like faking it till i make it aint cuttin it!  
CRONUS: its time to bring out the big guns, by vwhich i mean all this pink frilly shit no one else vwould be caught dead vwearing in public  
DIRK: That's not even- who even wears that! You look absurd!  
CRONUS: absurdly sexy  
DIRK: No, just absurd!! You look moronic! Fucked up! Everyone's out here calling me girly and you're wearing that and get nothing?!  
CRONUS: hey novw i havwe not "got nothing" ivwe gotten plenty of fucked up comments! and so vwhat if im dressed girly? sounds like you need to do some soul searching bucko. toxic masculinity up the vwazoo  
DIRK: I'm toxically masculine??? You're a greaser who pressures others into sex!  
CRONUS: but vwhich one of us is vwearing pink?  
DIRK: That's not how toxic masculinity works!  
CRONUS: but it certainly doesnt fucking help! hovw is shaming another man for being girlier than you somehovw not toxic masculinity id like to knovw  
CRONUS: vwell not really i dont actually givwe a shit but you get it  
DIRK: Why the fuck would you even care? It's not like you've ever been particularly socially conscious.  
CRONUS: nice deflect. and so vwhat? you knovw vwho my bestie is, right chief? you bet your ass i can at least fumble my vway through some fake pc bullshit if i need to  
DIRK: And I'm sure your bestie would have a lot to say about you sexualizing aesthetics commonly associated with an already objectified group of people in society for a fetish.  
CRONUS: do you mean vwomen or the trans  
DIRK: Women or "trans people," they are not "the trans." And regardless, it's usually an intersection of both.  
CRONUS: youre pulling this out of your ass to try and make a gotcha, aren't you  
CRONUS: like if you actually believed any of that crap you vwouldnt be doing any of this ironic bimbo shit  
DIRK: It's not like you're going to Google any discourse about it and find out. What do you care about my genuine stances on anything, anyway.  
CRONUS: vwhatevwer. kans fine vwith it, mostly just keeps staring at my ass and grumbling.  
DIRK: What?  
CRONUS: yeah i vwas surprised too but he seemed pretty into it. at least at first. i tried hitting on him and he got all prickly. you knovw. vwantases. vwhined something about me being a vweird freaky bitch vwho needlessly endorses negativwe societal norms and then scuttled avway before i could try stripping or something  
DIRK: Do you honest to fuck think that stripping in front of someone who doesn't want to have sex with you would get them to change their mind.  
CRONUS: idk its vworth a shot  
DIRK: ... No, it's not.

CRONUS: vwhatevwer. ill take your fuckin advwice bigshot. good luck suckin cocks


	8. Chapter 8

CRONUS: hey chief nice muscles  
GYM GUY: hey man thanks. you lift?  
CRONUS: lift what?  
GYM GUY: never mind. you work out normally?  
CRONUS: sure i like. walk places sometimes  
GYM GUY: nice. youre a troll right?  
CRONUS: yeah im a troll. ewver been wvith a troll?  
GYM GUY: nah but ive heard some things. you guys really have tentacles dicks?  
CRONUS: ...eeeeeehhhhhhhhhh. find out?

DIRK: This is the worst.  
JANE: It really is the worst. My eyeballs are bleeding as we speak.  
JANE: This is why I need glasses.  
DIRK: Cronus Ampora, slimiest windbag in the entire city, puts on hotpants and asks why it's bad to invade Russia in the Winter and suddenly he's got all this pussy.  
DIRK: I can't believe this is a struggle with me. What am I doing wrong?

JANE: Well, is bimbofication even popular with other men?  
JANE: Have you considered doing something else?  
DIRK: Uh, yeah? You think I've never thought of that? I used to do porn, Crocker.

JANE: Ok, ok. I'm just not sure how popular "sex kitten" is normally.  
DIRK: What, you've never seen Jake English?

JANE: Jake's more of a "sex puppy."  
DIRK: Yes. A sex puppy. Shirtless and covered in mud.

JANE: ...Right, anyway.  
JANE: Maybe you should have gone the jock route? I don't know, you seem to fit that better.  
JANE: Why did you even pick this style?  
DIRK: It's complicated.

JANE: Is this a real "it's complicated," or a _I don't want to talk about it, Jane,_ "it's complicated."  
DIRK: It's a _are you aware we have a crowd, dude,_ "it's complicated."

JANE: What?  
JANE: I have admirers.


End file.
